I have not been well lately…

I have been struggling with my conflicting thoughts in my brain which is wrecking havoc. At first i thought it was just temporary and it’ll go away once i get over it. I really tried.

The thing is, for the longest time after my teenage years, i have been a positive and happy person in general. I am not one who broods over things or people and usually gets over it soon enough. Life was too precious for me to be miserable anyway. I’m the type who will say hi and good morning to everyone in the office… But this time that miserable feeling didn’t go away. It went on for weeks and i knew something wasn’t right.

I couldn’t get over what happened and the anger, turned to disappointment and eventually i was consumed in sadness for most of the time, especially when i was alone. I cried all the time…

I knew then that i was leading to a dangerous path and i’ve drowned in my sadness for too long. I kinda know what i was getting into but was in denial and thought… nah… not me… my threshold for pain is strong. For the first time in a very long time, i felt alone, worthless and desperate for validation. I guessed (still in denial) that i may have symptoms of depression so i started googling and read and watched everything i could find on the internet on depression and how to deal with it.

And of course i have tried almost everything, spiritually and physically. I pray… i pray all the time, for help, for answers, for HIM to give me strength… i’m not pious definitely but still have it in me to remember the almighty…

It was scary when the episodes happened. I would be gasping for air during my uncontrollable sobbings… then came the anxiety attack. My chest would literally tightened and i could feel the physical pain…

It was then i realised that i needed help. The next thing i did was to go to the doctor and you know what… i was balling my eyes and pouring out everything to a complete stranger whom i just met in less than 2 minutes. All she had to ask was, how are you feeling today? I was a mess… cried like a baby in the consultation room. She just listened… and that was all i needed someone to do… listened. No judging. No advise. She just listened.

I guess what i’m trying to say in this post is, just because someone who has been posting happy happy thoughts and positive things, does not mean she’s not human. We all have our struggles.

I am not making a statement but merely reaching out for another extension of help… yes we pray and do all that. But just because i post sad stuff on how i feel and what i’m going through is telling the whole world. I am not that popular lah…

Most of you sent me encouraging words and you know what, it means the world to a person who is at rock bottom right now… you have no idea. Some too afraid to ask… some thinks i am over-reacting. Well over-reacting or not, depression is real guys… it hits you without a warning. I was happy… i am happy but couldn’t understand why one incident caused the trigger…

And no… it’s not my husband or my marriage or my children… that’s the thing, i didnt see it coming either. I’d be lying if it didnt affect him because this is something new to him too. He was struggling with what was happening to his independent “no need to babysit” type of wife but we are learning and still is while i type this post.

My point here is, dont judge. There is always 2 sides of the story…

And if you think there is a friend whom you think is not being him/herself… go ahead and write them a personal note. You’ll never know whose life you might have just saved or whose day you’ve just brighten up too and remember it can happen to you too ❤

To those who did (you know who you are), i thank you from the bottom my heart. I am good… really… not the best but working on it with my bestie at home… and to my family members, please ah, dont act all weird when you see me okay. We malays find it so hard to talk about these things like some communicable disease. We are so conditioned NOT TO TALK about these things. All sweep under the carpet… just pray and keep quiet. Don’t be afraid to ask what i went through so we can learn or just give me a hug can? … just dont ask me what happened cause i wont say… ✌


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